# Heavy Heart



## Aimless1 (Sep 25, 2011)

The past couple of days I've noticed that Nitro would hang out with my wife but wasn't all that interested in being with me. Passed it off as a phase and didn't think too much about it. Last night I came home late and Nitro avoided me like the plague. Wouldn't even play fetch. I also noticed the old dog was giving Nitro alot of attention, which is also unusual. 

When my wife picked him up today apparently my son-in-law asked if he could borrow my shock collar. Why? Because Nitro barked. My wife laughed it off as foolishness.

RED FLAG! Called my daughter who watches him during the day explaining my concerns and also asking if her husband had beaten or abused the pup in any way. B*stard admitted he had been "rough" with him because he barked. After inspecting Nitro and seeing a bruise, he obviously beat him. 

I am beyond mad, but now I'm also concerned for my daughter and grand children. If he would beat a defenseless puppy, has he done the same with them? 

Easy enough to protect the pup from future abuse. Much more difficult to protect my daughter and grand children. Harder yet to get my son-in-law to seek the help he obviously needs. Ahhh ... once a parent, always a parent.

Not really seeking advice. Posting to vent and to alert others to watch their dog's behaviour and think about what may have changed or what may have happened to cause the change. I'm lucky, as I feel I've caught this early on. I have time to repair the relationship with Nitro and restore his trust. 
Divine guidance and timely intervention will help their family.

Thanks for "listening".


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## Suliko (Sep 17, 2011)

I am so sorry you have to go through this. I can't even imagine what you are feeling right now. Luckily you caught this behavior and Astro doesn't have to suffer anymore. It is quite shocking... 
I hope you and the family work it out and no one else is hurt.


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## texasred (Jan 29, 2012)

I would be sick if I thought someone had abused my dog. I would be furious if a family member knew and didn't stop it and inform me right away. Your son in law sounds like a piece of _____. Your daughter needs to be strong enough to stand up for what is right. The world can be a tough place for the meek and mild.


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## redbirddog (Apr 23, 2010)

> Thanks for "listening".


Good luck. Watch for the signs of abuse in kids and dogs. They don't hide them as well as adults. But you have to know to look.

Think Nitro needs a good steak hand fed to remember man is mostly good.


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## harrigab (Aug 21, 2011)

I'd be livid Aimless, I'd be having very strong words at least with scumbag


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## texasred (Jan 29, 2012)

I know you didn't ask for advice and sorry if I was on the blunt side earlier. I would look for things to do with your daughter that makes her feel confident and strong in any situation. Maybe your wife would like to take a selfdefence class with her. Its tough not to say things about her husband but if you do you will alienate her. Keep you family close and always have a watchful eye.


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## kristen (Oct 18, 2011)

What a terrible situation. Good on you for being so aware and responsive. Best of luck


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## Shivangi (Jan 19, 2010)

RED FLAG, absolutely! Not just for your pup but for your daughter too! Please, please take all precautions you can and look out for signs. I've seen too many people suffer silently through an abusive relationship and it almost never ends well. 

And needless to say, this disgusts me.


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## mswhipple (Mar 7, 2011)

I cried when I read this. :'(


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## R E McCraith (Nov 24, 2011)

You make freinds and have family! hopefully yor soninlaw will seek professional help-I know you will protect those near and dear to you


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## threefsh (Apr 25, 2011)

Just a word of caution - a bruise doesn't necessarily indicate that he was beating the dog. Riley plays rough enough that she always smacks her head and body into things inevitably resulting in bruises and scratches. My brother-in-law came over once and played with her too roughly, which resulted in her pulling a muscle. She didn't want anything to do with him for the remainder of the evening.

The true test is how your dog reacts to a hand/object coming quickly toward his head. Does he shy away and wince or squint his eyes? A dog who has not been hit will just stare at the hand/object with interest and not care.

I remember once I was in Mexico and there was a tiny little chihuahua at someone's house. It was super cute, sweet, no barking or anything... it walked past the "man" of the house and the guy swung his foot back and kicked the dog HARD for no reason. It was all I could do to keep myself from kicking HIM.  I will never understand how people can beat dogs. It is difficult for me to even raise my voice to my little girl. <3


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## jjohnson (Nov 9, 2011)

Just to play devil's advocate, keep in mind that these dogs can be REALLY sensitive. My brother spanked our pup, Gus, on the butt ONE time for taking a piece of his pizza off his plate. The spank wasn't very hard, I was right there and saw it, and it wasn't anything you would ever consider "beating" a dog. It more startled Gus than eanything else, enough to where he would shy away from him for a few days after that and wince if he had his hand up! We thought it was funny because other than that no one has ever laid a finger on Gus, and he was being pretty dramatic. He is still reallly submissive around my brother, and I think it all stems from that one time!

I had an ex-boyfriend whose dad had GSP's as hunting dogs. These dogs were very submissive and would shy away form the dad if he raised his voice or his hand. I always thought that he must have beat those sweet dogs for them to act that way, although I never actually witnessed any abuse. After knowing our Vizsla now, I wonder whether he did actually "abuse" them, or if he was just a little too harsh for their sensitive natures.


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## datacan (May 15, 2011)

A lot has been said about how these dogs are smart, remember things and are all too sensitive.
It pains me to see how dogs, Vizsla in particular, are so easily beaten. The truth is they are really beatable and come back for more. 

These dogs cannot be separated from their rich history. One has to have a sort of understanding and compassion for their history... :'( 
Raised in Canada, Hungarian background, I never really felt connected or cared too much about Hungarian history (unlike my parents). But after Sam (our V) arrived, something changed and looking at him makes me happy and feel somewhat connected. As matter of fact I feel compassion and respect for all Vizslas. This is different from our previous dog, Tony, the excellent behaving GSD. He was only a dog.

So, in conclusion, Aimless - please do not feel bad about your son-in-law. Perhaps, to him Nitro is only a dog, headstrong and misbehaving :-[

Julius


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## jld640 (Sep 29, 2010)

Good luck in handling what is sure to be a difficult, complicated situation!


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## Linescreamer (Sep 28, 2010)

I wouldn't assume he is mistreating people just because he smacked the dog. On the other hand, if he was told not to lay a hand on the dog and he did.....They better put the shock collar on me because they wouldn't be able to hold me back!


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## pippa31 (Aug 2, 2011)

Glad Nitro, your daughter, and your grandchildren have you.

This sounds incredibly difficult. Thinking of you.


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## Mischa (Feb 17, 2010)

Aimless, I'm really sorry that you have to go through this. 
The dog issue is heartbreaking enough, but I can't imagine what it is like to worry about your daughter and grandchildren's safety.

I hope it ends up being a misunderstanding.

-Dennis


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## Ozkar (Jul 4, 2011)

You want.......... I can send the boys around


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## Moose (Oct 2, 2010)

how awful, poor pup and poor family. Glad you caught it early- before it escalated. my inlaws have a much different approach to training and discipline than I ... my mother in law booted her V [as a puppy] down the stairs because he had peed on the carpet. I almost threw up. I do'nt like leaving my kids with her while they're awake, either. she spanks, smacks mouths, etc. she smacked my 2yr old on the face twice [and told me about it] because he spat. *rolls eyes* a simple no, and time out will do. Same for pups. 

sorry you're going t hrough this!!


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## Aimless1 (Sep 25, 2011)

Thank you all for your thoughts, insight and concern. Truly appreciated.

Since that post I've met with my son-in-law and we have talked. He admits he has an issue with anger and says he will be seeking help. I think he means well and intends to seek help, but I'll probably have to help him stay on task. His parents have blinders on and will be of no use in this situation.

Nitro - he may not have beat him, but he clearly did more than rough him up. There is a reason he kept his distance from me and it is most certainly related to his relationship with the son-in-law. One of the topics we discussed was what not to do and that there is a short 2 second window in which to make a correction, as well as effective ways to do so. Further discussed the pup is a baby and should be treated as such.

My grand children and daughter are at risk. Will be monitoring and intervening as both necessary and as requested. After discussing with others that know and interact with them it's clear that at minimum they suffer mental and verbal abuse. My daughter admitted that he had been "rough" with her in the past. Will continue to be a life long responsibility to do what I can to ensure their mental and physical well being.

So Nitro has "forgiven" me and he is responding nicely  Spoiling him can only help with the healing. Lot's of work to do with the puppy, and with my family.


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## Suliko (Sep 17, 2011)

*Aimless1*, I'm glad your son-in-law actually opened up about his anger issues and didn't try to deny them. I wish you lots of strength and patience as you are dealing with this painful situation. 

Happy to hear Nitro is doing better! I hope these good memories will take over the recent bad ones


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## city_dog (Feb 16, 2012)

The first step in getting help is to admit you have a problem. The fact that your SIL told you he has a problem with anger should help you to trust that he really does want to fix it.
It sounds like you have a good eye on things... 

I'm glad to read that Nitro is responding positively to you again - as for spoiling - doesn't that work with perfectly!!?? 

Good luck!

-Lindsay


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## kellygh (Oct 25, 2010)

Aimless1: My thoughts and prayers are with you, Nitro, & family. Domestic abuse is a very ugly situation. As a licensed therapist, with many yrs. of experience working with domestic violence, please make a safety plan with your DD & grandchildren. Stash some money, get a prepaid cell phone, telephone #s, an extra set of car keys, and a few items of clothing for all in one bag. Hide it well but easy to get (woods, neighbors) Telephone # to safehouses/shelter. I hope your SIL does get help, and the safety plan is not needed; however, it can literally be a life saver. As you know, DV too often becomes generational. Your grandchildren are at heightened risk for repeating the cycle, depression, anxiety, dropping out of school/poor grades, PTSD, &/or drug and alcohol abuse etc. I'm glad they have you to teach them that love does not hurt & model healthy relationships with all beings (including animals) . Animals are often used to control in these type of situations, no bruises needed, so have a healthy skepticism of rosy pictures. Almost every abused woman and child I have worked with will tell you bruises go away, but the emotional abuse and fear stays with you forever! It's devastating. Glad Nitro is doing better and already learning that not all men are jerks. Best wishes for healing & safety in your family! Adv. apology for any unsolicited "advice."


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## kellygh (Oct 25, 2010)

_*The fact that your SIL told you he has a problem with anger should help you to trust that he really does want to fix it.*_

Yep, I hope he means it; however, most abusers are skilled liars & manipulators. Most all have told their family, after the abuse, how sorry they are, they won't do it again, they love them so much etc. etc. Be fair but VERY skeptical, IMO. These things don't happen overnight, and it will not be fixed in some sessions of anger management.


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## threefsh (Apr 25, 2011)

kellygh said:


> most abusers are skilled liars & manipulators. Most all have told their family, after the abuse, how sorry they are, they won't do it again, they love them so much etc. etc. Be fair but VERY skeptical, IMO.


Without going into any detail, I wholeheartedly agree with this. Trust is earned. I wouldn't let your pup stay with them until he has proven that he is taking some serious steps to recovery.


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## Moose (Oct 2, 2010)

I'm in agreeance with all others who have posted. be wary with your son in law's openness. it's good he's admitted to having a problem and getting help, and that your daughter has opened up a bit about it too. In a way, you are lucky Nitro was roughed up [awful to say !] but otherwise, you might never have suspected anything wrong with your daughter's relationship or wellbeing. Poor Nitro to have to bear the brunt of the recent abuse, but I'mglad you read into his anxieties further than "oh he's just acting a bit strange" . 

Cheers to healthy healing, and I'm glad Nitro is responding well !


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## Mischa (Feb 17, 2010)

Aimless, you are a good man! 
Your family is blessed to have someone like you at the helm.


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## Coco (Jul 27, 2011)

I agree, your family is very lucky to have you. You are very observant and proactive. In my most humble opinion, most women and children that try to manage others with 'anger issues', need someone to talk to and keep in mind what is acceptable and not acceptable behaviours. Also checking with the children's school - academics and social behaviour are true indicators of possible issues. 
I am terribly sorry that you and your family are going thru such a tough time.


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## Kailua (Feb 12, 2009)

YIKES!!! Hoping the best for your whole family.


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## datacan (May 15, 2011)

threefsh said:


> kellygh said:
> 
> 
> > most abusers are skilled liars & manipulators. Most all have told their family, after the abuse, how sorry they are, they won't do it again, they love them so much etc. etc. Be fair but VERY skeptical, IMO.
> ...


I second this stance. And would like to add, without professional supervision there is little chance of recovery. Luckily in Canada there are organizations like the The Red Door http://www.reddoorshelter.ca/ (I know someone close to me who has been there and was forced to leave former life - therapist advised) 
Each case is different and ideally should be assessed by qualified therapist.


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## OttosMama (Oct 27, 2011)

What a terrible situation. Nitro, your daughter, and your grandchildren are all so lucky to have you looking out for them. Good for your daughter that she was willing to open up to you. That is a good sign for her. I will be thinking of you as well.


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## luv2laugh (Oct 6, 2011)

Hi Aimless,

Although I am sad that Nitro got hurt and I am sure a weight has come upon you with this saddening information about your son-in-law, this may turn out to be somewhat of a blessing in disguise. Perhaps without Nitro you never would have known what was going on. You have been able to openly communication with your daughter and that is SO valuable in these circumstances. 

If she ever needs help, she knows that you are aware of the situation and there to help. This is so much better than trying to hide it or keep it in secret and in itself will lead to further protection of her and your grandchildren. 

Wishing you and your family all the best!


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## Ozkar (Jul 4, 2011)

Thinking of you A1. I hope this situation is resolved with everyone's best interests at heart? Best wishes!


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